i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
