around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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