I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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