I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Randomize
