If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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