Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
