The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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