What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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