I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Life is so much better after having sex.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize