fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize