I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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