If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
