She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
