Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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