my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
