I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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