you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
