im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
