I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
