We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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