i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
