I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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