seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
