Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
