Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i drank out of a bidet.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
