Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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