Umm I'm too high to move.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
