we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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