apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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