Don't you send me to vm
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
