My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
