At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
