My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Holy sore nipples Batman
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
