Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
