my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
