well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
