Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
