so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize