maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
