i just had sex bonerless
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
