Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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