I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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