Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize