not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
