i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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