Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
