I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
