i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
