You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
