I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
