How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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