i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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