chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize