i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
