you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
