look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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