while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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